NSA reveals it has backdoor access to iPhone, but still stuck on Level 372 of Candy Crush Saga

30 Dec

WASHINGTON–after a German news magazine leaked documents showing that the US government has backdoor access to every iOS device, the NSA revealed today that yes, it hacked access to iPhones on a massive scale, but that it still couldn’t finish Candy Crush Saga.

“We are appealing to members of the public who may have information on how to get rid of the frozen jelly in the corner to step forward,” said NSA spokesman Dean Arden. “Unfortunately our internal efforts to access this information have been unsuccessful.”

According to the article in Der Spiegel, the NSA has had the ability to remotely monitor iPhones for several years, and can even turn on the camera and microphone. The program was originally intended to track terrorism suspects, but was re-purposed when the head of the NSA, Gen. Keith Alexander, was unable to progress past level 211 of Candy Crush Saga.

“In addition, it turns out most of what terrorists say to each other is totally boring,” added Arden. “I mean, we love preventing attacks and all, but you just couldn’t pay me enough.”

In response to questions, Arden clarified that the program had successfully enabled Gen. Alexander to pass level 211 and several others, but that they were still stuck on 372.

Gen. Alexander did not respond to requests for comment, other than to briefly glance up from his phone and say “Mmm” a few times.

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2 Responses to “NSA reveals it has backdoor access to iPhone, but still stuck on Level 372 of Candy Crush Saga”

  1. Jon Awbrey December 30, 2013 at 7:06 pm #

    Reblogged this on Inquiry Into Inquiry.

    Like

    • Jon Awbrey December 30, 2013 at 7:26 pm #

      Sorry, I was trying to share this to Facebook, but my NSAphone reblogged it instead.

      Like

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