Egyptian constitution passes with 99.99% approval; some dude named Ibrahim didn’t get the memo

21 Jan

CAIRO—the military-backed Egyptian government today announced that its constitution had been approved by 99.99% of voters. A spokesman explained that the only no votes were cast by an elderly couple with bad vision, a donkey that has mistakenly been on the rolls for two years, and a dude named Ibrahim living in Zamalek “who just didn’t get the memo, I guess.” Added the spokesman, “Oh, and the forty percent of citizens who boycotted the vote.”

Reached by phone, Ibrahim explained that “I thought about it carefully, and then decided to exercise my right to vote no.” He then added, “Hang on, there’s someone at the door.”

The document has been hailed as the ninth-most-democratic constitution in Egyptian history, behind only the last seven constitutions and the Decree of Imhotep IV, a pharaoh who reserved absolute power for himself but was known for being very polite.

“This landmark event ensures that the people of Egypt will be able to determine their own destiny,” said Acting President Adly Mansour. “Except in the political sphere, of course.”

Under the terms of the constitution, sovereignty rests exclusively in the hands of the Egyptian people, “unless they start dicking around with it, in which case the army will take it back.”

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