A Seahawks fan prayer

2 Feb

Editor’s note: most of our loyal readership will be that we here at twissblog are Seattle Seahawks fans. This is due, first, to the obsessive focus on obscure political in-jokes, and, second, generally anonymous authorship, compromised only when we are recognized by our distinctive shoes when we slip out of an apartment wearing a motorcycle helmet.* Having said that, today is an appropriate day to let a bit of sports partisanship supplement our notional political nonpartisanship. Back to making fun of John Boehner tomorrow, I promise.

All the best,

twissblog

* See what I did there?

 

Dear Lord,

In this, the upcoming Super Bowl, where Thy faithful servants the Seattle Seahawks will play against the Denver Broncos, please, keep the Seahawks’ defensive line steady, and the secondary swift and high-leaping. Strengthen the arm of Russell Wilson and endow his receivers with fleetness of foot and sure hands. Gird the loins of Marshawn Lynch, so that he may break through the line and pile up much yardage, for Thy greater glory.

And above all, ensure that points rain down on the Seahawks, and that they do not turn the ball over to the Broncos, who after all have already won the Super Bowl twice, in 1997, and because apparently You decided that wasn’t quite enough, also in 1998, apparently because You felt bad for John Elway, which I guess I sort of understand, because he does look kind of like a horse. But if You give them the Vince Lombardi trophy again, dear Lord, then I will have to start wondering a little, You know, because I looked it up, and do You know when the Seahawks last won the Super Bowl? I mean, of course You do, but just as a reminder, it was NEVER. We have been watching this team for thirty-eight years, and over that time, with no disrespect, God, You have sometimes been kind of a dick about it, with Super Bowl XL, and telling Your servant Pete Carroll to ice the kicker against Atlanta last year, which because You are all-knowing and all-seeing, I can only presume You did because You had some money on the Falcons or something.

And please, Lord, You have done enough for Peyton Manning over the years, what with already having won the Super Bowl, and all those records, and everything, so maybe just lay off for this one game, and let him throw a few picks? You know? And to be perfectly honest, I’m not totally sure why You chose Peyton in the first place, because it wasn’t really that creative a decision, You know, when You were deciding where to hand out the football talent, to stick more in the Manning family. I mean, mighty Lord, I guess You were kind of busy back then, because I looked it up, and there was a general strike in the Congo the day he was born, so maybe You were busy with that and You just had this big pile of overdue quarterbacking to give someone, and You didn’t really have time to find some deserving baby born to steelworkers in Ohio, or something, and You just went to Your old standby, so I guess that’s okay. But really, God, I think You’ve done enough for Peyton at this point, okay?

Oh, and another thing, Lord, what was up with that cheap hit on Percy Harvin? I get that it is a rough game, but, really, when he was just coming back, Your will being that he get his bell rung by Rafael Bush, and then when apparently that didn’t get the job done, sending Malcom Jenkins after him, I mean, I’m not complaining, but it does sort of look suspicious, You know? Like You wanted him out of the game and kept sending Your thugs to make sure the job got done? And I can’t help but wonder if maybe You actually have something going here, like You are still mad for something Chuck Knox did back in the eighties, and there is some kind of curse? Because otherwise it kind of smells fishy, You know, God?

So anyway, I don’t mean to complain, or anything. In Your infinite wisdom, You will ensure that the right outcome will prevail, et cetera, on February 2, and, okay, I get it. But I’m just saying, You know? I mean, the folks in Denver, they already seem like godly people, so I think You’re safe there. But, You know, Seattle is right on the edge, God-wise. I mean, the Super Bowl could tip it either way, do You know what I’m saying, Lord? I really don’t want this to sound like a threat or anything, but if You are looking to shore up Your position in the Pacific Northwest, church-wise, I’m just saying it would be a pretty smart move to let the Seahawks win.

Amen.

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