House Republicans concede on debt ceiling, surrender chemical weapons

12 Feb

WASHINGTON–ending a tense standoff, the Republican-led House today passed a clean debt ceiling bill and also indicated that it would destroy its stock of chemical arms.

President Obama, who had been poised to order air strikes, was clearly relieved. “Today’s events have shown that diplomacy can work,” he said at a press conference. “Rogue states have learned that we are not afraid to use force in the face of irrational, destructive behavior.”

According to the White House, UN inspectors would arrive within hours to tag and destroy the Republican caucus’s unconventional weapons, including the writing staff for the O’Reilly Factor.

At one point, the media reported that the peace agreement would also require the GOP to turn over several dangerous fanatics it was harboring, but at press time, both Paul Ryan and Eric Cantor were still at large.

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