US fifth in Olympics medal tally; demands more made-up events it can win

13 Feb

SOCHI, Russia—with the United States sitting a disappointing fifth in the medal tally, the leaders of America’s delegation began calling for the introduction of still more not-really-sports that we can win at.

“Every little bit helps—slopestyle, the varieties of snowboarding—but it’s not enough,” said Larry Probst, chairman of the USOC. “There are still way too many events like speed skating and biathlon that other countries take really seriously.”

According to Probst, the USOC submitted a list of events that it would like to see included in future Winter Olympics to boost the US medal tally.

“Ice football—that’s an obvious winner for us. Biathlon without the skiing would be okay. Competitive eating, clearly. Something connected to baseball that doesn’t allow Latin Americans or Japanese people to compete. Marketing. These would all be good.”

Probst noted that the fifth-place standing was particularly bitter “given the lack of any kick-ass Communists on the table above us.” As he explained, “it would be okay if they were spartan, steroids-to-kids regimes that sacrificed everything for sports. But all of the countries above us have universal healthcare and progressive taxation. It’s just embarrassing.”

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