As temperatures climb, Olympics add beach volleyball, slush racing to lineup

16 Feb

SOCHI–with the usual quick-thinking innovation that Putin’s Russia is known for, the organizers of the Winter Olympics announced today that they would be cancelling some “minor” outdoor events, including anything involving skiing or snowboarding, because of temperatures expected to climb into the high fifties. Those events will be replaced with several alternative Winter Olympics events, including beach volleyball, “wading through slush,” and judo.

The inclusion of judo in particular puzzled many. A spokesman explained that, due to the late notice and organizational difficulties, the event would be open only to current heads of state of nuclear powers who lacked hair. After a brief pause, during which it was checked that Dwight Eisenhower was indeed dead, the criteria were confirmed.

High temperatures have been a consistent problem at this Olympics. “Who would have thought that holding the Winter Olympics at a beach resort could create any problems?” asked Lyudmila Goncharova, the Russian Minister for Frightening-Looking Athletes. “Anyway, it’s not like there’s anywhere colder in Russia where we could have done this.”

President Vladimir Putin issued a statement in which he said he was “delighted” with conditions so far. Inquiries later revealed that, unbeknownst to him, Putin was actually at a 1:1 scale replica of the Sochi Olympics built in northern Siberia and staffed entirely with actors. “Just to be on the safe side,” explained Goncharova.

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