Mexico captures notorious cartel boss, guaranteeing end of drug trade

24 Feb

MEXICO CITY—anti-drug officials today celebrated the capture of the notorious cartel boss “El Chapo,” which is expected to bring an end to the availability of illegal drugs in North America.

“El Chapo’s organization controlled virtually all of the drugs consumed in Mexico and also smuggled to the United States,” said President Enrique Pena Nieto. “Therefore, with him gone, we can expect that there will be no more narcotics sold in either country.”

Drug dealers reacted with dismay. “I thought I had it made, man,” said Javier Morales, a cartel employee who carries cocaine across the border through a network of tunnels. “A product we make cheaply, for which there is virtually unlimited demand—but with El Chapo gone, I guess we’re all done here.” Morales said that he planned to go back to school, finish his associate’s degree in auto mechanics, and start a small business. “Such a waste,” he said ruefully.

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