Russia seeks warmer relations with Ukraine by invading it

2 Mar

MOSCOW—in an attempt to restore the historical close relationship between Russia and Ukraine, President Vladimir Putin today announced that he was invading the country.

“For too long, our respective governments have been mistrustful of one another,” said Putin in a rare televised press conference. “I hope that by overwhelming Ukraine with military force, they will come to understand the depths of our affection.”

The invasion, focused on the Crimean peninsula in the south of Ukraine, is similar in many ways to Russia’s attack on Georgia in 2008. “If history teaches us anything, it’s that the best way to ensure national security is by having messy enclaves with no clear governing authority on your borders,” explained Putin.

“The Russians and Ukrainians are family,” he said. “And like all families, we sometimes have disagreements which we resolve through the deployment of thousands of heavily-armed soldiers in armored vehicles.”

In a bold move, President Obama warned that he was downgrading his mood from “irritated” to “pissy,” the strongest reaction in the US diplomatic arsenal.

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2 Responses to “Russia seeks warmer relations with Ukraine by invading it”

  1. Richard Daybell March 2, 2014 at 3:20 pm #

    Omigod, not pissy?!

    Like

  2. Galaxian March 2, 2014 at 3:32 pm #

    Fox News even noted that the Russian armored trucks had proper license plates on.

    Like

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