Putin explains Russian troops in Crimea were just looking for the bathroom

5 Mar

MOSCOW–stung by international criticism of his invasion of Ukraine, Russian President Vladimir Putin yesterday held a press conference in which he explained the 6,000 Russian troops in Ukraine were mostly “just looking for the bathroom.”

“It is so simple even children know it,” said Putin disdainfully. “When you gotta go, you gotta go.”

Putin explained that extensive remodeling on several Russian army bases had led to long lines for restrooms, and as a result, many soldiers had swum several miles across the Kerch Strait separating Russia from Ukraine “without realizing where they were as a result.”

Putin seemed sharp and in control throughout the 66-minute press conference, except for a 25-minute digression into how NASA faked the moon landings and a 14-minute stretch where he repeated “show me all the blueprints” over and over.

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