Russian army deploys to Ukrainian border in order to conduct traffic study

14 Mar

MOSCOW—tensions decreased here today when Vladimir Putin explained that the deployment of several thousand Russian soldiers to the Ukrainian border was simply a traffic study, and not the prelude to another invasion, as many have feared.

“For years, our scientists have been wondering what would happen if you took half a dozen crack assault divisions and tried to move them along the roads close to our borders,” explained Putin at a press conference here. “Finally, the answers are within our reach.”

The Ukrainian government, already under tremendous pressure from the Russian occupation of Crimea, was visibly relieved. “Normally we would find this sort of behavior concerning,” said a spokesman. “But a traffic study is such a logical explanation for almost anything that we aren’t worried.”

Putin also announced that, because the goodwill created by spending $52 billion on the Sochi Olympics had clearly been destroyed by the invasion of Crimea, he was planning to pile up another $20 billion in Red Square and light it on fire. “If that doesn’t earn respect, I don’t know what will,” he said, apparently meaning it.

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