After ballot mixup, Scotland votes to secede and join Russia

17 Mar

EDINBURGH–After what authorities are calling “significant confusion” over the format of the ballot, Scottish voters on Sunday overwhelmingly favored seceding from the United Kingdom and becoming a province of Russia.

“Apparently the ‘butterfly ballot’ design confused some voters,” admitted Angus McFinneran, chair of the Scottish Electoral Council, referring to the design which led many Scots to select the Russian option when they thought they were voting for enhanced autonomy within the UK and a greater share of oil revenues.

Many voters also admitted to having been confused by the Scottish pro-independence campaign, during which First Minister Alex Salmond was frequently photographed riding a horse shirtless and diving for ancient amphorae in the North Sea.

Under the terms of the referendum, all state-owned assets in Scotland were immediately sold for fifteen pounds to Vladimir Ivanov, owner of a small grocery store in Glasgow. “Totally transparent sales process,” said the new governor for the Russian province of Scotland, Vladimir Ivanov.

Vladimir Putin, when informed of the news, was surprised but nonetheless expressed his full support for the idea. He said something that might have been in a Scottish accent, or perhaps was Russian, and then drank an Irn-Bru and ate a deep-fried Mars Bar. “Who are we to stand in the way of Scottish self-determination?” he later said.

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One Response to “After ballot mixup, Scotland votes to secede and join Russia”

  1. PiedType March 17, 2014 at 4:42 pm #

    Having struggled with butterfly ballots in Georgia in 1970ish, I find this especially amusing. With those ballots, anything was possible!

    Like

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