Malaysia issues definitive report on missing jet: “Something really weird must have happened”

16 Apr

KUALA LUMPUR—ending weeks of confusion and mystery, the Malaysian government today issued its definitive report on what caused the disappearance of Flight 370.

“After reviewing all the available evidence, we are finally confident that we have found the cause of the jet’s disappearance,” said a government spokesman. “Specifically, our experts have found that something pretty strange happened, which in turn caused the jet to disappear, and maybe to crash or something.”

Authorities around the world were quick to declare the case closed.

“It’s a meticulous piece of sleuthing,” said Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott. “As a world leader who practically found the plane by myself, I firmly support the findings.”

The spokesman noted that “everyone in the Malaysian government is relieved to put this behind us and get back in the headlines for the right reasons, like weird trumped-up sex charges against opposition leaders.”

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