Rand Paul endorses Cliven Bundy; Cliven Bundy endorses slavery

24 Apr

BUNKERVILLE, Nevada—hours after Sen. Rand Paul (R—KY) effusively praised Cliven Bundy, the rancher refusing to pay his grazing fees, Cliven Bundy returned the favor with effusive praise for enslaving African Americans.

[Normally at this point in the article we would make up something outrageous and pretend Bundy said it. However, Bundy’s actual words were so extreme that they are 1) impossible to satirize, and 2) deeply uncomfortable to repeat even in the context of a political humor blog.]

After being told of Bundy’s words, Sen. Paul was quick to clarify his statement of support. “While I really like Cliven’s gestures towards armed rebellion against the government and coded racist language, I don’t support anything that crosses the line of plausible deniability,” said Paul. “Can we change the topic back towards threatening to shoot government employees?”

Bundy has risen to fame after showing his anti-government beliefs by demanding huge government subsidies in the form of free grazing for his cattle. Shortly after the demonstration, he barged into the Bureau of Land Management cafeteria, ate eleven slices of pizza, and refused to pay. He then stole a whole bunch of Post-Its on his way out of the building, yelling “Freedom!” at the top of his lungs.

In the meantime, Fox News continued to support the armed radicals who gathered to support Bundy, explaining that it was okay to threaten to kill law-abiding citizens for ideological reasons as long as you are not Muslim

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