Oklahoma authorities find that executing people isn’t as fun as it sounds

30 Apr

McAlester, OK—a few hours after the badly botched execution of Clayton Lockett, politicians in Oklahoma admitted that killing people “just isn’t as fun as we thought it would be.”

“Look, it always sounded great when I said it in campaign commercials,” said Gov. Mary Fallin (R). “But when you actually watch the video, it turns out that watching a man strapped to a gurney dying in horrible pain isn’t as cute or as funny as you think it’s going to be.”

The Tuesday evening execution was bungled through a combination of inexperienced doctors and untried drug combinations, both stemming from a surprising reluctance from members of the health-care community to kill people. As a result, Lockett regained consciousness after receiving the lethal injection and began straining against his bonds.

The current state execution protocol calls for “barbiturates, or downers, or whatever we can find at the local pharmacy, or maybe just a whole lot of aspirin.” Dave Weston, chairman of the Oklahoma Republican Party, suggested that it be replaced by a process by which convicted criminals “just magically disappear into space.”

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