Russia demands that Ukraine withdraw troops from Ukraine

3 May

MOSCOW—an angry Vladimir Putin today demanded that the Ukrainian government immediately “cease its incursion into Ukraine” and withdraw its troops.

“We demand that Ukraine respect its own territorial integrity, and remove the troops that it has sent into itself,” said Putin, speaking to competitors in a combined judo/equestrian/money-laundering competition being held here.

Putin then noted that the US Army had recently sent a battalion of troops from Fort Hood to Fort Bragg for training. “Also unacceptable,” he announced. “No agreements are possible while American soldiers are illegally occupying North Carolina.”

Putin said that as long as the Ukrainian army was deployed in Ukraine, Russia would refuse to abide by the terms of the recent Geneva agreement intended to calm the situation in the country. “And as you know, Russia only voids international agreements in case of extremity,” said Putin, “like a nuclear emergency, or it’s Tuesday, or I need a haircut.”

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