Pro-Russian demonstrators seize buildings in Boise, Idaho

6 May

BOISE—the Ukrainian crisis took a new and startling turn today as hundreds of pro-Russian demonstrators seized control of government buildings all across this mid-sized city.

“We have three demands,” said the newly self-appointed mayor, who gave his name only as “Dmitri Number One” and claimed to be a lifelong resident of Pocatello. “First, we demand complete independence from United States and full union with Mother Russia. Second, colder winters. And third, we demand to repel German invaders. If Germans do not wish to invade, you must make them, so that we can be covered in glory.”

Deposed mayor David Bieter expressed his anger at the change and his conviction that Moscow was behind the change. “This has the fingerprints of Bill Lambert, the mayor of Moscow, Idaho, all over it,” fumed Bieter. “He’s still mad that we didn’t cut him in on the Potato Days festival.”

No one could explain where a large group of Russian speakers demanding secession had come from, so suddenly. Most demonstrators refused to comment or could not speak English; those that could maintained that they had been born in Idaho and lived there for decades.

“Why so suspicious?” asked Mr. Number One, the new mayor, at a press conference. “Around world, everyone demands union with Russia. Is all one hundred percentage spontaneous, I assure you.” He spoke on the steps of the Boise town hall, now flying the Russian flag, in front of a backdrop of men in camouflage fatigues cradling rifles, shotguns, and millions of dollars of Warsaw Pact surface-to-air missiles. “Just some things we had at home,” explained the mayor.

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