Obama promises “as much impotent outrage as necessary” to return Nigerian girls

15 May

WASHINGTON—President Obama today took a bold stand against Boko Haram, vowing he would exercise “as much impotent outrage as necessary” to secure the return of the almost 300 girls kidnapped by the terrorist group some weeks ago.

“Read my lips: I am prepared to complain, to bluster, and to issue empty threats until these girls are returned safely,” said Obama. “I will do whatever it takes, excluding only action of any kind.”

Republicans, normally fierce critics of the President in both domestic and foreign policy, fell in line. “When it comes to useless jawboning, both parties need to stand together,” said Sen. John McCain (R—AZ). “I believe America needs to stand tall, talk tough, and then fail to do anything about it.”

A spokesman for the White House explained that the President’s hands were tied. “I mean, he’s the commander in chief of the United States military,” explained the spokesman. “How far is that going to get him against a few hundred guys in pickup trucks?”

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