Tinfoil shortage expected to cripple Tea Party hopes in GOP primary today

20 May

LEXINGTON, Ky–Tea Party hopes for an upset victory in today’s Republican Senate primary were badly hurt today as stores across the state reported running out of tinfoil, anti-fluoride filters, exploding arrows, and other supplies deemed essential to electoral success.

“I want to get out there and vote against Mitch McConnell, but I’m not going to walk into one of those Federal Government/IMF/Goldman Sachs so-called ‘polling places’ without the proper protection from their mind-control devices,” said John Delraney, head of the Kentucky Freedom Alliance, who was covered head to toe in aluminum nonstick cookware. “I still need a radar detector, forty gallons of brake fluid, and at least half a dozen laser pointers to make this thing work, and Walmart claims they ‘aren’t available.'”

Other Tea Party activists agreed that they were unlikely to be able to vote given spot shortages of critical materials. “If I’m going to leave this bunker, I need to cover all my fillings with epoxy,” said Janice Margsdale. “And you know who controls the epoxy business in this country? The ATF, that’s who. And the Jews, of course.”

Matt Bevin, the Tea Party candidate seeking to unseat Sen. McConnell, pleaded with his supporters to get out and vote, suggesting alternative protection from gamma-rays and “Google bombs” such as pickup bed liners and squirrel blood. “This is important, and I need you to vote,” said Bevin. “Even if you have to risk your precious bodily fluids to do so.”

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