New Spanish King pledges to take country “forward to the 17th century”

3 Jun

MADRID–Crown Prince Felipe of Spain, soon to become king following the abdication of his father, pledged today that “the 17th century will be even better” and that “Spanish dominance of the New World” would continue indefinitely thanks to its many silver mines.

“Some would have you believe that Spain’s days as a great power are coming to an end,” said Felipe, speaking to a company of conquistadores preparing to set sail across the Atlantic. “Yet I say our global superiority is just beginning.”

Felipe pointed to recent improvements in flintlock manufacturing and celestial navigation as likely to maintain his country’s predominance. “Especially if we can get rid of those pesky, colorful pirates,” he added.

Felipe’s father, King Juan Carlos, announced his abdication recently in the face of growing unpopularity. Critics say the turning point came last year on an elephant hunting trip to Botswana, where he reportedly failed to kill even a single elephant.

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