Following Eric Cantor defeat, Congressional Republicans strive to sound even crazier

13 Jun

WASHINGTON—only days after Eric Cantor’s stunning primary defeat to an unknown Tea Party challenger, Republicans have been falling over themselves to sound even nuttier and more conservative than usual.

“Read my lips,” said Rep. Ted Yoho (R—FL). “No more fluoride.” Yoho, who is already among the most extreme members of the House, then unveiled his list of “Ten Batshit-Crazy Things I Will Do In My Next Term,” which included a pledge to nominate rancher Cliven Bundy as the US ambassador to South Africa and a promise to invade Belgium or another smallish American ally “to stay in shape.”

Speaker John Boehner, meanwhile, who has been accused of being too accommodating to the Obama administration, launched his personal initiative, “Building a Bridge to the Nineteenth Century,” a package of reforms aimed at “making America great again.”

“Can we actually claim that America is any better off, now that women can vote?” said Boehner. “All that’s happened since then are mind-control rays in our dental fillings and the faked moon landings.”

Sen. Ted Cruz (R—TX), not to be outdone, announced that he was digging a bunker under the Senate to hold his canned goods and firearms. “All I have to say, Mr. Secretary-General of the United Nations, is: bring it on,” he said, tinfoil hat secured under his chin with what looked like a wolverine tail. “You can have my gun when you pry it out of my cold dead hands, using your space lasers and secret alien technology.”

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