World Cup starts smoothly, with all bribes being delivered on time

14 Jun

RIO DE JANIERO–Fears of logistics problems at the World Cup proved unfounded today, as a network of runners successfully delivered 100% of first-day bribes “well ahead of schedule.”

“I’m pleased to announce that the naysayers have been proved wrong,” said FIFA President Sepp Blatter. “All referees scheduled to receive payoffs report successful delivery, and the three teams bribed to throw their opening-round matches have received cash in the correct denominations, packaged appropriately.”

While reports of construction delays and gridlock had many concerned, even the skeptics admitted the day had gone well. “By the time I got to my room, there was a printout of who was going to fake an injury, and who was going to be awarded a phony penalty kick,” said Dave Poras, an international match-fixer who had been worried that his envelopes of cash would be delayed. “Running like clockwork.”

Non-bribe logistics remained somewhat difficult. The Dutch team was caught in traffic for five hours and missed their match against defending champions Spain, but still managed to win 5-1, after a referee awarded them several goals for “good mental energy.”

20140614-174120-63680366.jpgSepp Blatter, fulfilling his pledge to personally inspect every bribe going to every referee

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