US Special Forces capture instigator of Benghazi attack; suspects in financial crisis still at large

18 Jun

WASHINGTON–the White House today announced that it had captured Ahmed Abu Khattala, the leader of the 2012 attack on the US mission in Benghazi which killed four Americans. However, excitement was muted by the news that the instigators of the 2009 financial crisis, which wreaked hundreds of billions of dollars of damage on the American economy, had once again evaded capture.

“I am proud to announce that we have captured Khattala,” said President Obama. “However, our intelligence efforts to locate the perpetrators of the massive economic meltdown have still yet to bear fruit.”

Experts noted that the suspects in the financial crisis were difficult to find. “These people frequently change business cards, restaurant reservations, and Uber usernames, making them hard to track,” said Dan Rosen, head of the arrest team responsible for financial crimes at the FBI, who is legally blind and works from inside an iron lung in Iceland. “They also congregate in a rough area known as ‘Wall Street,’ which is apparently impossible for law enforcement to enter.”

A chilling video posted to YouTube shows hundreds of banking suspects gathered at a “fundraiser.” Clever editing made it look as if politicians from both parties were in attendance, although of course that would be ridiculous, given their destructive influence.

“Read my lips,” said President Obama in his weekly radio address. “We will leave no stone unturned in our efforts to locate these people. And when we find them, we will solicit enormous campaign contributions from them, with ruthless sycophancy.”

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