Vladimir Putin denies he has ever heard of any country called “Ukraine”

23 Jul

MOSCOW–as pressure on Russia mounted over the recent downing of a civilian airliner, killing 298 people, President Vladimir Putin denied that he had ever supplied arms to rebels in, or ever heard of “this so-called Ukraine.”

“Look, I guess there must be something on our Western borders, but I sure don’t know what it is, and I’ve never been there,” said Putin. “I’d be afraid of falling off the edge of the world, or being eaten by a sea monster.”

Putin, speaking from horseback to reporters, said that “there is no way Russia could have supplied anti-aircraft missiles to rebels in–what did you call it? Hurricane?–because we have no such weapons ourselves.”

Asked about the “Made in Russia” stenciled on the backs of missiles seen in news photographs, Putin explained that they were “typos.”

Asked further about a note found in a crate of missiles that read, “Hello from Oleg, deputy foreman at the Export Division of Anti-Aircraft Missile Factory Number Three in Smolensk, Russia!”, Putin explained that “the experts are really not sure whether Smolensk is a real place, either.”

Putin added that Russia could not afford to build missiles. “As you can see here today, the country is so poor that I am unable to afford a shirt, and need to keep warm by flexing,” he explained.

20140723-200315.jpg
Vladimir Putin speaking to reporters, immediately before beating an alligator to death with his bare hands

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2 Responses to “Vladimir Putin denies he has ever heard of any country called “Ukraine””

  1. List of X July 23, 2014 at 10:10 pm #

    He then denied ever having seen an alligator.

    Like

  2. WladSkorsky December 19, 2014 at 9:10 am #

    Putin is only popular in Russia because of the state-owned media. You seem to be justifying his annexation of Crimea- really? You think that was justified. Please explain, and also tell us are you Russian? http://tinyurl.com/mwno26p

    Like

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