Paul Ryan’s far-reaching anti-poverty plan calls for poor people to “get some more money somehow”

25 Jul

WASHINGTON—in a bold statement that will upend the politics of inequality in America, Rep. Paul Ryan (R—WI) today announced the new Republican approach to fighting poverty, in which he called on poor people “to somehow get some more money, so that they aren’t quite as poor.”

“Just imagine how much of a difference it would make,” said Ryan, speaking to reporters, “if all the poor people in this country did something that enabled them to get a lot more money—fifty, maybe one hundred thousand dollars—with more where that came from. We could eliminate poverty within a generation, without using a dollar of taxpayer money.”

Other Republicans quickly rallied to Ryan’s plan. “Paul’s bold idea shows us the way to reducing poverty without getting the government involved,” said Ted Cruz. “I’m going to go down to that homeless guy panhandling in front of the Dirksen Building and tell him he should go get some money. And then I’ll take whatever money he has in that cardboard box, because he won’t be needing it any more.”

The White House was left playing catchup, announcing only that they would “study the issue” to determine whether more money would be helpful to poor people. “We don’t want to rush out with a lofty statement we can’t back up,” said a spokesman. “We save that for our foreign-policy speeches.”

3 Responses to “Paul Ryan’s far-reaching anti-poverty plan calls for poor people to “get some more money somehow””

  1. Invisible Mikey July 25, 2014 at 12:35 pm #

    LOL 😀


  2. allthoughtswork July 25, 2014 at 1:13 pm #

    Holy crap, laughed out loud at the title.


  3. alienredqueen July 25, 2014 at 3:23 pm #

    “Just…like…get a better job, man.”


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