Scotland votes to remain in United Kingdom for the weather and the food

19 Sep

EDINBURGH—after 307 years as part of the United Kingdom, Scotland came close to breaking away as an independent state on Thursday, before voting down secession by a 55-45 margin. In exit polls, Scottish voters cited their admiration for English cuisine, the attractive weather, and a healthy lifestyle as the principal reasons to remain united.

“Sure, I’d like to be independent,” said Angus McNae of Glasgow, minutes after casting his ballot. “But we would have to build our own dysfunctional multiparty system to replace the one we have now—it just doesn’t make sense.”

Alex Salmond, First Minister of Scotland and head of the Scottish National Party, made a lengthy concession speech, which unfortunately was completely unintelligible to journalists in attendance, but might have said something about freedom, or possibly something fried. It was very hard to tell.

Official reaction to the vote was muted. Officials of the Assembly of Newly Created Sovereign States expressed disappointment that Scotland would not be joining their group soon. “We just don’t understand why more countries don’t want to be like us,” said representatives of Kosovo, East Timor, and South Sudan.

IMG_0052-0.JPGScotland lost its independence in 1707 when its entire army deserted en masse to the English rather than “listen to those goddam bagpipes for one more goddam minute”

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