Chinese government accepts all protestor demands, except democracy, free speech, and change of any kind

7 Oct

HONG KONG–in a sweeping step forward, the government of China today announced that it would accept virtually all of the demands of the thousands of protestors who have been blocking the streets here for the last few weeks, with only a handful of reservations.

“I am pleased to announce that we have reached an agreement with the leaders of the demonstrations,” said a government spokesman. “We think we can give them everything they’re asking for, except for an expanded franchise, free nomination of executive candidates, an end to mandatory Party affiliations, the elimination of travel and currency controls, unfiltered Internet, press freedom, reform of state-owned-enterprises, educational reform, an end to land confiscations, and term limits.”

The spokesman noted that starting immediately, Hong Kong would be reinstituting Triple-Stamp Tuesdays at Starbucks throughout the autonomous region, enabling citizens to receive a free small latte after the purchase of as few as four large coffees.

“It’s practical quality-of-life measures like these that will drive change at the local level,” said one protest leader, speaking from an undisclosed location via videoconference, with highly dilated pupils and copious drooling. “We support the government one hundred percent all the time forever,” he added, just before receiving an injection of healthful natural vitamins.

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