In comprehensive new anti-Ebola plan, White House will urge everyone to “be careful out there”

17 Oct

WASHINGTON–with the government response to the Ebola threat coming under criticism from the public and from experts, the White House today announced a comprehensive range of measures to fight the spread of the disease.

“Effective immediately, the United States government is going to urge everyone in the country to be really careful,” said President Obama. “We’re going to put out a very strong recommendation that people try hard not to get Ebola.”

When pressed for specifics, Obama explained that “it meant being really careful not to get germs or anything on you, and paying lots of attention to not getting sick.” He suggested that, for example, if people see an Ebola virus on the street or in a restaurant or somewhere, they back away from it slowly, raising their arms above their heads to look bigger.

A White House spokesman later clarified that the president’s advice was actually more applicable to bears, “but that it is worth a try” with the virus as well.

In other news, several vigilante bands announced that they were going to stop at nothing to “try to find that monkey” that would enable the development of a cure, before being informed that Ebola was not actually the same virus as in the movie “Outbreak.”

IMG_3739.JPGIf you see this, just back away slowly and don’t make any sudden moves. Do not play dead or try to climb a tree; you will just make it mad.

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