Ebola nurse angrily asserts her right to run around licking strangers on the face

30 Oct

PORTLAND, Maine—Kaci Hickox, the nurse who was briefly quarantined after returning from treating Ebola patients, and then announced that she would not stay at home as requested for 21 days, today said that she would defy the CDC’s request that she not lick people “right on the kisser.”

“My human rights are the most important thing in this situation,” said Hickox at a press conference today, “and one of my most basic rights is the right to go all over the country and lick anyone that I see all over the face.” Pointing her finger at a CDC official standing haplessly at the end of the stage, she added, “You know who didn’t let people lick strangers on the street? The Nazis.”

After the press conference, Hickox adjourned to the local Pizza Hut, where she asserted her right to sneeze on the salad bar.

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