Missouri governor declares martial law in Ferguson, because “aggressive policing is just what we need right now”

18 Nov

FERGUSON, Mo.—as this St. Louis suburb waits to see whether a grand jury will indict the police officer who killed an unarmed black youth here, Governor Jay Nixon declared martial law, explaining that “when in doubt, I think it’s best to get white guys with guns all hyped up and then send them out on the streets.”

“Look, we all know what drives bad behaviour out there among the, you know, those people,” said Nixon at a press conference in front of an Abrams tank. “It’s not having the imminent fear of death at the very top of their concerns. If we can just change that, we should be okay.”

Responding to questions as to whether aggressive policing had in fact been the cause of the problems in Ferguson, Nixon looked confused. “I was told it had been shifty characters,” he said.

Nixon closed the press conference with a prayer “that we will have peace and harmony, and that if we don’t, that the National Guard opens up a can of whoop-ass on those guys.”

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