President Obama normalizes relations with Cuba Gooding, Jr.

17 Dec

WASHINGTON—ending a feud that has dragged on for years between the two men, President Obama today announced that he was re-establishing relations with the actor Cuba Gooding, Jr., effective immediately.

“The policy of isolation has failed,” said Obama in a speech here today. “We can do more by engaging with Cuba than by attempting to undermine him.”

Effective immediately, Americans will be able to visit Cuba without a visa, including “all areas of his house—the back yard, the pool—everything,” said a State Department spokesman. Also, he may engage in “normal commercial interactions,” such as buying Girl Scout cookies or renting a movie on iTunes.

The president’s action immediately drew both strong support and stinging criticism from politicians on both sides of the aisle. “This is nothing but a craven surrender,” said Sen. Marco Rubio (R—FL), a staunch opponent of the regime. “Cuba is responsible for some of the greatest atrocities of the last hundred years, including ‘Snow Dogs’ and ‘Daddy Day Care,’ and we should reject appeasement in all its forms.”

The president changed his mind, according to aides, over the weekend, when he watched the iconic clip of Gooding, Jr., yelling “Show me the money” in the film ‘Jerry Maguire.’ “That guy is hilarious, and we need to patch this up,” Obama is reported to have said.

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No longer a grave threat to the United States, as long as you don’t try to watch ‘Lightning Jack’

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