GOP legislation plans to win votes from Latinos who oppose immigration

15 Jan

WASHINGTON–in a shrewd political move, the House Republican leadership yesterday added several anti-immigrant provisions to a national security bill, seeking to make further inroads with the burgeoning “xenophobic Latino” vote.

“Conventional wisdom says that our party is doomed if we can’t get traction with Hispanics,” said Speaker John Boehner (R–OH). “However, our pollsters found that Latinos who opposed immigration is the fastest-growing group of voters, increasing thirty-three and a third percent in the last two years.” Boehner’s phone then buzzed; after checking it, he added triumphantly, “Make that sixty-six and two-thirds percent.”

“They’ve won me over with their hard line,” said Jose Duarte, 37, a Mexican-American real-estate broker in Houston. “If we let my family members come over the border, they”ll probably just want to live nearby and spend time with me and become productive members of society. Who wants that?”

Boehner promised that “this isn’t the last outreach you’ll see to our colored brothers,” noting that he expected further progress in attracting racist African-Americans as well as women who resented being paid as much as their male colleagues.

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