Jeb Bush undecided whether to lose in the primary or in the general election

25 Feb

MIAMI—former Governor Jeb Bush (R-FL) today announced that he was launching a new Presidential exploratory committee which will help him decide whether to stay in the center, and lose in the Republican primary, or to move to the right, secure the nomination, and lose to Hillary Clinton in the general election.

“This is a very difficult decision,” said Bush. “While I plan to spend 2017 giving speeches and writing my memoirs after a crushing defeat, I have yet to decide when I would like to see the whole thing go down the crapper.”

Pundits have been watching Bush’s public statements carefully to determine whether he intends to alienate the lunatic fringe through common-sense positions on immigration and fiscal policy, or whether he intends to alienate the average American with weird homophobic and quasi-racist comments.

“For the last few months, we’ve all thought he was going to flame out Huntsman-style, based on his record,” said one well-known pundit. “But then he started sounding crazy and talking about how the Fed is going to take away our guns, and we figured he was making a play for New Hampshire. And then he told some folks that the CIA had put transmitters inside his molars, and we figured that was in there for the Ames straw poll.”

Bush has promised his network of supporters he would make a decision about the kind of disaster he is looking for by the middle of the summer.

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