New GOP majority successfully implements long-term fiscal vision; unclear what will happen next week

2 Mar

WASHINGTON–fresh off a convincing victory in the 2014 midterms, the Republican Party has added to its momentum by passing legislation that “will put this country on a long-term path of fiscal sustainability for the entire rest of the week,” said Speaker John Boehner (R-OH).

“There were those who said the Republicans couldn’t exercise power responsibly,” said Boehner. “And to those critics, I point to the full seven days of funding we’ve just provided to Homeland Security.”

The eleventh-hour deal comes after a revolt from the Republican Party’s right wing nearly led to a partial government shutdown, reducing border security by placing thousands of Homeland Security staff on furlough. “We thought that was the most responsible way to make our point about mature government,” said Rep. Raul Labrador (R-ID), leader of the Generally Angry About Something Caucus. “Next, we’re going to tell all our soldiers to lie down with their eyes closed, until Obama defunds Obamacare.”

Addressing the one-week extension of Homeland Security funding, President Obama tried to look grave, but spent most of the press conference chuckling. “I love these guys,” he said.

According to Boehner, “Shutting down the government has been so successful for us in the past, we figured why not try it again?”

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