Russian investigators conclude Boris Nemtsov shot himself eight times in the back

9 Mar

MOSCOW–one week after Russian opposition leader Boris Nemtsov was killed a few hundred feet from the Kremlin, investigators announced today that they have cracked the case, proving conclusively that it was suicide.

“Based on witness testimony, we now know that Nemtsov shot himself eight times in the back, and then, when he was down on the pavement, savagely stabbed himself several more times,” said Col. Yuri Lukashinsky, a senior investigator with the Moscow police. “We believe his intention was to throw himself in the trunk of a car and drive his own body out to the woods, somewhere, but he became aware of passersby and was unable to complete his plan.”

Lukashinsky said that a critical witness, known only as “VP,” was a few hundred feet away and saw everything.

“This confidential witness’s testimony was incredibly compelling,” said the policeman. “Not only did I believe everything he said, but I found myself persuaded that he had a greatness, a personal genius, that could be the salvation of Russia, and indeed that only he could prevent our Western enemies from encircling and destroying us.”

VP’s identity is being shielded to maintain the impartiality of the investigation.

According to Lukashinsky, no firm motive for Nemtsov’s suicide has been established. “However, we are looking closely into allegations that he was distraught over his failure to love the Motherland sufficiently,” said Lukashinsky. “Either that, or it was an accident.”

An unidentified young man reported seeing the whole thing.

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