Vladimir Putin wins Triple Crown

8 Jun

LEXINGTON, Ky.—in an amazing finale to American Pharoah’s victory in the Belmont Stakes, the “mystery jockey” who rode the horse in all three Triple Crown victories revealed himself to be none other than Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“Yes, it is me,” said Putin, jumping lightly to the ground and benchpressing American Pharoah a few times. “I race to prove that Americans lack fortitude to win. Triple Crown is all in mind.”

For weeks, the media had speculated on the identity of American Pharoah’s jockey, who raced with his face concealed entirely in racing silks. A few journalists had speculated that it could be Putin, particularly after the wind ripped off the jockey’s shirt immediately before the start of all three races, but more common guesses included Alex Rodriguez, the policeman from the Village People, or Donald Trump. “You know, horse-racing types,” said one longtime veteran of the track.

Putin was circumspect about his future plans. “First, I return to Russia. Then, I absolutely-no-kidding do not send more—I mean any—troops into Ukraine. Then because Russia is not in any way isolated at present, I receive visits from major international leaders like President Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe and Prime Minister Thongsing Thammavong of Laos, to sign big treaties. Then we see about more horse-racing.”

vladimir-putin

In retrospect, the sunglasses should not have fooled us.

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