Donald Trump announces Presidential run, promising to defend planet against ape takeover

17 Jun

NEW YORK–in a long-awaited announcement, Donald Trump formally entered the race for the 2016 Republican nomination, stating that he was planning to be “the best racist, confused President God has ever created.”

In a forty-minute speech, Donald Trump said that he has a “secret plan to defeat the apes that have taken over large parts of our country,” and also pledged to “defeat Skynet and restore humans to their rightful place atop this planet.” He also said that he would ensure all secret alien research was carried out “with the strictest controls” to avoid the possibility of escape or extraterrestrial invasion.

Trump also revealed his plan to erase America’s national debt, which involves valuing the country’s intangible assets like “brand, potential future projects, and general God-fearing image” at seven trillion dollars. “Bam! Problem solved,” said Trump, who then asked an aide to loan him ten dollars so that he could go buy a sandwich.

After the speech, Trump shot up to eighth in polls of likely Republican primary voters. Coincidentally, Fox News announced that it was changing the format of the upcoming debates slightly, limiting them to the top seven candidates.


Donald Trump needs to return this tux by five pm to avoid paying another day’s rental.

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