America relieved to find Charleston shooting has no link to Islam

19 Jun

CHARLESTON–after a day of tense uncertainty, America breathed a collective sigh of relief as the man who murdered nine African-Americans at a South Carolina church was apprehended and found to be a white supremacist, not an Islamic radical.

“I’m pleased to announce that this shocking act was a hate crime, and not an act of terror,” said Gov. Nikki Haley (R). “If this guy had been a Muslim who hated Americans, then he’d be a terrorist, but since he’s a white Christian dude who hates black people, then he’s just a nut job. And it’s not like we can do anything about nut jobs.”

Haley went on to demand that shooting suspect Dylann Roof, if convicted, receive the death penalty anyway. “It would be good practice,” she said.

Convicted Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokar Tsarnaev, who with his brother killed four people, released a statement in which he claimed that he, too, had been motivated by racism, not religion. “That would make it so much better, right?”

In the meantime, the grieving familes from both Charleston and Boston seemed strangely uninterested in the debate.


Thankfully, he’s just a murderer, not a terrorist 

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