GOP criticizes Iran deal; proposes alternate plan in which “Iran’s nuclear capability magically disappears.”

15 Jul

WASHINGTON–shortly after news of the landmark nuclear deal with Iran broke yesterday, conservative Republicans were lining up to condemn it.
“This is a total surrender to Islam, and the terrorists, and Big Fluoride,” said Rep. (whomever). “Barack Obama–if that is his real name–just completely sold us out.”
As is usual in the nation’s capital, the Congressional leadership wasn’t simply going to criticize without a well-thought through alternative. Later in the afternoon, Speaker John Boehner (R–OH) unveiled the Republican plan to prevent Iran from developing a nuclear capability.

“Step one, we engage the United Nations and a wide range of responsible international stakeholders, listening to their views and treating them as equal partners in the process,” said Boehner, lightening the mood with his usual dry wit. “No, just kidding, of course.”

Boehner laid out a six-point plan to prevent Iran from gaining nuclear weapons, of which the key step was point four, in which “Magical fairies cause all enriched uranium to disappear from Iran, and their nuclear facilities to turn into licorice castles.”

The other points mostly related to the GOP plan to bring back “Mad Men” for two more seasons, and also to increase the number of soups served in the Congressional cafeteria.

Boehner admitted that there were “a few details to be wrinkled out” before implementing the plan. “For example, how to handle Don Draper, what kinds of soup, where to get the magical fairies, and so on.” However, he expressed confidence that “good old American know-how” would carry the day.

Asked about a military option, Boehner pointed out that destroying Iran’s nuclear facilities without a ground invasion would be impossible, and that even the Republican Party has limited appetite to get involved in another large-scale war in the Middle East. “However, we’re still very interested in finding something easier and more fun to invade,” said Boehner. “If you have any ideas, let me know.”

He went on to suggest that perhaps the US Army could invade a small Latin American country, “like Guatemala or something,” right after they finish occupying West Texas as part of the Jade Helm exercise.

“Oops!” said Boehner after mentioning Jade Helm, clapping his hands to his mouth. “Was that my outer voice?”
  
Magical fairies are a “practical option” to remove Iran’s nuclear capability, said Boehner. “And they’re usually smokin’ hot,” he added.

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4 Responses to “GOP criticizes Iran deal; proposes alternate plan in which “Iran’s nuclear capability magically disappears.””

  1. List of X July 17, 2015 at 1:18 pm #

    Hey, would you have any objections if I write a post on similar topic – alternative plans for Iran deal?

    Like

    • twissblog July 19, 2015 at 6:14 pm #

      Do it! You can repost it here as a guest post, if you want

      Like

      • List of X July 23, 2015 at 1:04 am #

        Just posted it on my blog. Actually, if you accept guest posts, I might have something that’s probably a better fit for your format. Do you have an e-mail I could send it to?

        Like

  2. twissblog July 24, 2015 at 7:37 pm #

    List of X–have just DM’ed you on Twitter with my email address. Didn’t want to post it publicly because that damn Justin Bieber keeps stalking me. Justin, listen to me, it’s over!

    Like

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