Racists “outraged” by Trump’s attack on John McCain

20 Jul

SELMA, Alabama—in a heartwarming display of solidarity, racists from all across America spontaneously came together yesterday to denounce Donald Trump’s criticism of John McCain’s war record.

“I was a big Donald Trump fan,” said Jed Ricketts, who has lived here in Selma his entire life and is one of the linchpins of the local racist community. “I was with him on the Mexicans, the code words about welfare, the whole thing. But attacking an American war hero—that crosses a line for me. No, thank you, Mr. Trump.”

Other racists were more ambivalent. “Sure, what he said was abhorrent,” said Rosie Lynchston, county chairwoman for the White People’s Council. “But if we lose Trump now, who’s going to protect us against the [racial slur deleted]. Or the [slur deleted]? Or the [deleted], [deleted], [deleted], [deleted], [deleted], or [deleted]?” she asked, closing with what we later looked up and found was a derogatory term for Americans with ancestors from the northern regions of Denmark.

Donald Trump, of course, stated that he had no intention of apologizing. “If I were to apologize to John McCain, then, logically, I’d have to apologize for every other stupid, hurtful, destructive thing I’ve said this week, and then where would we be?”

Other candidates were scrambling to win over Trump’s disaffected supporters. “There’s a whole bloc of Republican voters who are terrified of Mexican rapists but love the military,” said John Spiegelman, Professor of Weird Republican Primary Voting Blocs at the University of Wyoming. “That makes up about half of all likely Iowa caucusgoers.”

Sen. John McCain, R-Ariz., called the 800-page immigration reform bill proposed by a bipartisan group of senators a "fair, comprehensive and practical solution" to a difficult problem.

In a conciliatory gesture, Trump went on to call McCain “probably not a coward” for being captured in Vietnam.

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