Vladimir Putin wins prestigious “Best Dictator Award”

22 Jul

HARARE, Zimbabwe—capping a great year, President Vladimir Putin of Russia won the prestigious Best Dictator Award at last night’s 35th Autocratic Awards ceremony.

“And the winner is…Vladimir Putin!” said the presenter, a nervous-looking Steve Zahn, opening a lead-lined envelope while beefy security guards peered at him intently, cracking their knuckles. “Honestly, I didn’t know what this was,” said Zahn, staring imploringly into the television cameras. “I thought it was some kind of benefit or something” he added, while being dragged off-stage and beaten.

The theater then played a montage showing some of Putin’s greatest moments as dictator, including the occupation of Crimea, the jailing of Mikhail Khodorkovsky, and the downing of a passenger jet over Ukraine, until the power went out in blackout-plagued Harare.

Putin won in “one of the strongest fields we’ve seen in years,” according to Susan Wilco, who runs a fashion/repression blog and frequently covers the Autocratic Awards. The other nominees included Islam Karimov of Uzbekistan, Omar al-Bashir of Sudan, Isaias Afewerki of Eritrea, and hometown favorite Robert Mugabe.

“Putin had a very strong year,” said Wilco. “Crimea and Ukraine top the list, obviously, but the voters have obviously been paying attention to the little things as well—the beatings and jailings of opposition leaders, the hounding of the free press—the stuff that he doesn’t make a big deal about, but just quietly gets on with.”

Putin is the first Russian/Soviet leader to win the award since the controversial selection of Konstantin Chernenko, head of the Soviet Union, in 1984. At the time, critics said that the honor was “pure political correctness” reflecting the fact that no Soviet leader had been selected in more than twenty years, and that Chernenko was “at worst, a colorless figurehead.”

The winners of the other major awards included Kim Jong Un, who won Best Purge for the arrest and execution of his uncle, Jang Song Thaek, and Bashar Assad, who took home Best Murderous War Against His Own People. Mswati III of Swaziland won Best Small-Country Dictator, and Aleksandr Lukashenko won Best Military-Style Hat. In the biggest upset of the night, the Democratic Party of Equatorial Guinea defeated heavy favorite Workers’ Party of Korea for the title of Best Repressive Party Apparatus.

Vladimir Putin, not content with just ruling Russia, makes his play to control the United Federation of Planets

3 Responses to “Vladimir Putin wins prestigious “Best Dictator Award””

  1. List of X July 22, 2015 at 2:55 pm #

    And let’s not forget Iran whose calls for destruction of Israel won the award for best sound effects.


  2. Corporate Life July 22, 2015 at 7:19 pm #

    Hopefully it wont move up from sound effects to more serious stuff!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: