Upcoming Republican primary debate to feature a two-war minimum

27 Jul

CLEVELAND—in an effort to streamline the upcoming Republican presidential primary debate, scheduled to take place here on August 6, party leaders have decided to require a two-war minimum for all candidates as a condition of entry.

“We were looking for some way to keep the debate manageable,” said Bill O’Reilly of Fox News, which is hosting the event. “So it’s pretty simple and fair: to get on the stage, you have to commit to two wars of your choice over two terms.”

While Fox hadn’t yet worked out all the details, O’Reilly did say there would be some clear standards as to what constituted a war. “It needs to last long enough for patriotic bumper stickers to start appearing,” he explained. “Desert Storm I and II absolutely would count, but Grenada and Panama wouldn’t.”

When asked why a commitment to launch wars was required, instead of a commitment to improve the American economy, or the health of its citizens, or the education of its children, O’Reilly shrugged. “Our sponsors have to get paid somehow,” he explained.

O’Reilly noted that extra time in the debate would be given to “any candidate willing to promise to schedule one of their wars during sweeps week.”

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Bill O’Reilly explains that most of his incoherent anger is really just allergies.

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