Ohio man horrified to learn that “November” in political discourse means next year, not this year

8 Sep

DAYTON, Ohio—Tim Kardell, a claims adjuster with State Farm insurance here, has been reported in serious condition at a local hospital here, two days after learning that “November,” used as a shorthand for the upcoming presidential election, means November 2016, not 2015.

Kardell is heavily sedated and was unable to comment for this article. However, friends who witnessed his meltdown reported that he began pacing up and down, mumbling “I just can’t take another year of this” and hitting his head against the wall, before first responders were able to wrestle him to the ground.

Kardell was apparently hanging out with some friends who were discussing Hillary Clinton’s prospects in November, when he casually mentioned that “we’ll find out in two months, I guess.” He was then told that the election was in 2016, not later this year as originally believed.

While Ohio is not generally a focus of significant campaigning in the primaries, as a swing state, it will be hit heavily in the general election, and is already seeing some Super PAC advertising. In addition, Kardell apparently reported seeing images of Donald Trump on a television over the bar at his favorite hangout “pretty much every day for months,” which already had him on edge.

Doctors expressed cautious optimism that they would be able to revive Kardell. “Acute electoral poisoning is generally treatable if caught early,” said Susanne Wilcox, head of the Political Disorders Unit at the Cleveland Clinic. “We just need to bring him out of this slowly, and then send him to somewhere like Kansas, where no one bothers campaigning, until the election is over.”

One Response to “Ohio man horrified to learn that “November” in political discourse means next year, not this year”

  1. PiedType September 8, 2015 at 10:17 pm #

    The poor man has my deepest sympathy and understanding.


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