Jeb Bush still can’t believe he overslept and missed the debate

18 Sep

TALLAHASSEE, Florida—almost two days after he was supposed to participate in the second Republican primary debate, Jeb Bush is still “just sick” over forgetting to set an alarm and sleeping through the start time, sources close to the campaign report.

“Jeb is just so angry at himself,” said one advisor, speaking on condition of anonymity. “He’d been up all night rehearsing his ‘zingers,’ and so he decided he’d just have a quick power nap before it was time to head over to the venue, and then he got mixed up and thought he had set the alarm on his iPhone for 6pm, but actually he set the countdown timer for six hours, you know? It could have happened to anyone.”

Quick-aides were able to find a body double on short notice, a friendly math teacher named Henry, to stand in Gov. Bush’s place on stage. Henry was given the green light to try to get involved in the debate, but after two enormous gaffes—-claiming George W. Bush “kept us safe” and suggesting Margaret Thatcher could be on the ten-dollar bill—aides in the audience held up a sign telling him to be quiet.

“It’s just one of those things,” said another campaign advisor. “And it’s really annoying, because Jeb was all set to take this one by storm. He was going to dominate.”

With Bush absent from the debate, Carly Fiorina was widely viewed as the winner, on the basis of having no political experience, but not being Donald Trump or Ben Carson.


Jeb Bush whipping the crowd up into a frenzy during debate rehearsal.

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