Kevin McCarthy promises to run House of Representatives from an underground bunker in Idaho

28 Sep

WASHINGTON–Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), the No. 2 House Republican and current favorite to replace John Boehner, promised today that if elected Speaker, he would carry out all of his duties from “a secret bunker somewhere in northern Idaho.”

The pledge immediately bought him some goodwill among members of the Tea Party. “I was suspicious that Kevin might be another appeaser, because he’s never spent time in prison for threatening to blow up the Capitol, but I like this bunker thing,” said Jim Jordan (R-OH), chair of the Freedom Caucus and possible candidate for speaker himself. “I sent him some photos of mine to give him decorating tips.”

McCarthy has pledged that as Speaker, he will hide in the bunker, living exclusively off canned goods, and at no point engage in any discussions with any politicians on any topics whatsoever or support any legislation. “It’s a start,” said Jordan. “We’d like to get a list of the guns, though.”

Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA), a rival of McCarthy’s, dismissed the bunker pledge as “weak,” asking “what’s Kevin going to do when the United Nations invades Idaho to disarm freedom-loving patriots?” Scalise promised that he would fulfill his duties of speaker from a secret submarine operating only in “freedom-loving red-state waters,” like in the Terminator movies. He also apologized again for his infamous 2002 speech to a group of white supremacists, saying that when he had agreed to address the group, he didn’t know that it had recently endorsed a small tax increase to pay for local schools.

  

McCarthy standing in front of lead-lined American flags, which help keep airborne fluoride out of his precious bodily fluids

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