Well-regulated militia kills ten students in small Oregon town

2 Oct

ROSEBURG, Oregon—another senseless tragedy occurred yesterday when a well-regulated militia stormed the campus of Umpqua Community College here, killing ten people.

“It’s sad, but there will always be crazy people out there,” said Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA), the presumptive next Speaker of the House of Representatives. “I wish we could have done something, but this guy was necessary to the security of a free state.”

In London, UK Prime Minister David Cameron expressed his condolences, but also noted that if Chris Harper Mercer hadn’t had easy access to all six of the guns he used in the massacre, “we would probably come back over there and oppress you guys.” He shrugged. “I’d like to say we wouldn’t, but we probably would.”

Families of the dead students released a joint statement to the press saying that “at least our loved ones died for a good reason, propping up the revenues of the firearms industry.”

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