After latest campus shooting, Republicans propose banning campuses

5 Oct

ROSEBURG, Oregon—after another senseless massacre left ten people dead at Umpqua Community College, the leaders of the Republican Party came together to propose a path forward to prevent future campus shootings.

“There are just too many campuses in America today,” said Kevin McCarthy, the likely next Speaker of the House of Representatives. “It’s too easy for evildoers to find a campus and use it to perpetrate these horrible crimes. It’s just common sense that we have to do something about this.”

The Republican plan, which has not yet been fully fleshed out into legislation yet, would propose an amnesty and buyback, during which time universities and colleges that owned campuses would be able to exchange them for “state-of-the-art bunkers with broadband access,” from which professors could provide remote instruction to students.

“There have been too many senseless deaths due to the proliferation of schools and colleges,” said McCarthy. “It’s time we took the tools for mass slaughter out of the hands of the bad guys.”

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