Paul Ryan declines to run for Speaker, saying he doesn’t want to disappoint people until he becomes President

16 Oct

MADISON, Wisconsin—Rep. Paul Ryan (R—WI) said again today that he does not want to become Speaker of the House. Ryan explained that the role was set up for failure, and that he doesn’t plan to fail “until I’m doing it in a big way from the White House.”

Both mainstream and right-wing Republicans have turned to Ryan as the only person who can command the respect of both party factions, but to date he has resisted calls to replace John Boehner (R—OH) as Speaker. Said Ryan, “I would just end up letting someone down, and I don’t want to let down some of my colleagues in Congress by taking sides—I want to let down this entire nation by being an ineffective President.”

According to Ryan, “I don’t want my hypothetical future public service as President to be sullied by any, you know, actual here-and-now public service.” He then politely asked several of his Republican colleagues to “get their grubby paws off of me.” He then retreated back into his house to watch old Packers games on DVD and practice writing “President Ryan” in big loopy cursive on his notebook.

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Of course this is a photo of Paul Ryan. What are you suggesting? Wait–have we never really seen them both at the same time in the same place???

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2 Responses to “Paul Ryan declines to run for Speaker, saying he doesn’t want to disappoint people until he becomes President”

  1. Jnana Hodson October 16, 2015 at 3:18 pm #

    Am I the only one reading this as self-service over public service?

    Like

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