Republican leadership “has absolutely no idea” why Trump’s anti-immigrant, anti-women platform appeals to GOP primary voters

2 Dec

WASHINGTON—the leadership of the Republican Party has “absolutely no idea” why on earth Republican voters are supporting Donald Trump, given his track record of economic and scientific illiteracy, racism, and sexism, sources close to the leaders say.

“If there’s one thing we’ve been doing in recent years, it’s been promoting a message that all Americans, indeed all people, have an equal dignity, and merit equal support and treatment,” said Sen. Mitch McConnell (R—KY). “I just have no idea why our primary voters seem so interested in someone who’s promoting an anti-women, anti-immigrant, anti-diversity message like Trump.”

Said new House Speaker Paul Ryan (R—WI), “It now seems like no one was listening when we sponsored all those bills supporting equal pay for equal work, bilingual government services, and a more humane approach to undocumented immigrants.”

Trump’s campaign itself seemed surprised. “Sure, if there’s one thing the Republican Party is known for, it’s a message of inclusion and fairness,” said a spokesman. “But apparently there’s a group of voters out there who feel like the party’s brave leadership on this issue doesn’t actually represent their views.”

At press time, the Republican Congressional leadership was debating whether their high-profile push to support transgender rights might need to be toned down. “As passionate as we are about equal protection under the laws, we might be a little ahead of ourselves right now,” said McConnell.

Mitch-McConnell

“We need to take a long, hard look at why the GOP is less appealing to middle-aged white guys,” said McConnell

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