Twissblog’s New Year’s Resolutions

31 Dec

1. I will eat right and exercise.

2. I will be happy with what I have.

3. I will spend more time hiking.

4. Being a billionaire industrialist is the extent of any ambition I have for 2016.

5. I will learn to draw animals better.

6. Seriously, I will just run my industrial empire. There will be no need for any risky schemes to become even wealthier. Why would I need to? I’m already a billionaire.

7. If I am going to launch a risky scheme to become even richer, it will be completely legal.

8. I will run it out of my downtown office. Just a regular corporate building.

9. Or at worst, maybe a little bit of market manipulation. It certainly won’t have anything to do with world domination. I don’t even want world domination.

10. I will finally read Infinite Jest, including the footnotes.

11. Any world domination will be through the normal political process, not through any crazy scheme involving giant space lasers. I don’t even know where you’d get a giant space laser.

12. I definitely won’t hollow out a volcano and install banks of computers for no real reason.

13. I didn’t even say anything about piranhas. You mentioned piranhas.

14. I will fit back into those old suits.

15. My team will come to work every day in business casual. Chinos, button-downs, maybe polo shirts on Fridays. No need for jumpsuits.

16. Jumpsuits will be in tasteful earth tones only.

17. I will keep better tax records. I’ve already filed the receipts for the giant space laser.

18. If any secret agents are on my tail, I will have my minions kill them with firearms. I will not encourage anyone to use poisonous animals, or animals of any kind, which I do not believe are very reliable.

19. I will be practicing Meatless Mondays to bring down my bad cholesterol.

20. If any of the secret agents manages to evade the poisonous spiders placed in their beds, and infiltrates the hollowed-out volcano, and is captured, I will just kill him or her on the spot. I will not keep him or her prisoner for any length of time with a view towards an entertaining death.

21. Before chaining a secret agent to the rocket engine, I will make sure to frisk him or her for weapons, and in particular I will take away any watches or pens.

22. I will watch less television. In fact, no television at all. At least on Meatless Mondays.

23. I will shop around to find better prices on piranhas. And giant space lasers.

One Response to “Twissblog’s New Year’s Resolutions”

  1. List of X January 1, 2016 at 2:10 am #

    Looks like you’re going to have a busy year.
    Happy new year!


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