God worried that blizzards, earthquakes “too subtle” as forms of communication

25 Jan

HEAVEN—only two days after sending an enormous blizzard to pummel the East Coast of the United
States, God is increasingly concerned that relying primarily on natural disasters to send messages is “too subtle” for modern humankind, according to sources close to Him.

“This has been a problem on and off for a while,” said a longtime associate, who asked not to be named in keeping with God’s policy of not commenting directly to journalists. “He drops an earthquake because He isn’t happy with the new season of Downton Abbey, and everyone thinks He’s pulling for Bernie Sanders. It’s enough to drive you nuts.”


The associate of God’s also said He was incredulous at how mortals tried to spin direct divine intervention to mean something that “it clearly doesn’t mean.” For example, “I can see rain or thunder cutting both ways—but a plague of locusts? There is no way a plague of locusts is an endorsement. I mean, come on.”


At press time, God was reportedly trying to decide between sending messages in the rustling of the leaves and the sighing of the wind, or as an alternative, just picking up the darn phone and calling people directly.
God was just getting excited about his DraftKings entry, but Jessica turned down Tim’s marriage proposal anyway.

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